Now, I've been with my husband for over a decade now, so most of these movies have been rightfully placed in the $1 VHS bin of movie history. I'm dragging them back out.
The top 5:
No5 - Victim: my own dear husband, Darren.
Movie: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
This movie had everything going for it. Hunter S. Thompson story. Johnny Depp. Benecio Del Toro. What it lacked was coherent plot and flow (which is probably the point). However, my brain couldn't take it, and to this day I have blocked out the majority of what actually happened in the movie.
No4 - Victim: Dan?, Dave?, Mike? - you can tell this was a meaningful relationship
Movie: The People Versus Larry Flynt
I should have run away as soon as the words "with Courtney Love" flashed on the screen. It was painful, and I never went on another date with whoever that was.
No3 - Victim: Josh
Movie: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
Good Lord! What a premise! Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo in an awesome 50's convertible looking for adventure across the country...Did I mention they were in drag? While at sometimes fairly funny, it was overall completely stupid. I mean, Wesley Snipes' stage name(?!) - Noxeema Jackson. Patrick Swayze - Vida Boheme. The basic plot had our three intrepid ladies stranded in a small hick-town in the middle of nowhere, and they had to teach the townspeople valuable lessons about acceptance and moisturizers. At the end, everyone learned that everyone is wonderful and the world will be perfect if we can all just express ourselves. I express myself by firebombing theaters that show crappy movies. The End.
No2 - Victim: Rob
Movie: Made in America
My first date of all time. I had to be set up on a blind date by my best friend because I could not have gotten a guy to look at me without having my hot friend around. Usually the guy I was checking out would eventually walk over and say, "Hey, does your friend have a boyfriend?" It was awesome. Back to my story, so here I am, 15 years old, never been kissed, bad hair, braces with a huge gap in my front teeth, and in general, really awkward and nerdy. We went out on a double date, and this is the stinker that young love was supposed to blossom to. The plot of the movie (if you can call it that), was that Whoopie Goldberg had a daughter by artificial insemination, and the donor daddy was a used-car salesman played by Ted Dansen. The daughter wanted to find her dad before leaving for college, and she finds out it's him. Whoopie and Ted eventually fall in love and make the girl's childhood dreams come true. It is actually even worse than it sounds. I vaguely remember something about a rampaging elephant, which could have been the best part of the movie had Ted or Whoopie gotten smushed.
No1 - Victim: Kyle
Movie: ConAir
This is the #1 worst movie ever made of all time (I consider Ed Woods' movies to be works of genius in comparison). The first problem is that Nicholas Cage is the worst actor in the history of time (just ahead of Bill Paxton (have you seen True Lies? Seriously)). He can do okay in comedy, but as a mulleted, wrongly-convicted, ass-kicking, righteous badass? No chance in all of hell. The producers somehow slipped rufees to John Cusack and John Malkovich into joining this piece of rhinoceros poo as well. I really can't say anymore. It is in fact the essence of suck.
Honorable Mention: Johnny Mnemonic. I actually saw this movie towards the end of a relationship, and I blame Keanu Reeves for the breakup. My brain still hurts from the implausibility of the whole thing. Keanu can't hold one coherent thought in his head, much less the super-secret data plans for something or other.
2 comments:
Correction, Cage does well in 1 comedy, and that was Raising Arizona. But I give more credit to the Coen brothers.
it's good to see your friendship with Jill wasn't traumatizing. :P Also be glad you are young enough to have avoided the film Ishtar
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